My Top 5 platitudes and phrases
NOT to say to a parent who has a child with special needs
Is she high functioning?
Ex-cuuuuuse me?! How can there even be any kind of measurable answer to that? As compared to what? or whom? or when?
Would it make you feel better if I assured you she is “high functioning”? What would you say if I said, “No, she’s very low functioning?” Either answer won’t change the fact she is my child and I love her just the way she is.
Do you want to make me feel better by asking me to judge her as “low functioning”- “medium functioning” or “high functioning”? If I knew the answer to that question- what would it solve? Don’t force me to validate her intelligence or functioning on a ridiculous scale of measurement.
Someday, I’m going to respond- 
-“I don’t know- are you high functioning? ” I don’t know if I’M high functioning!!! I usually only have 2 or 3 days a week where I feel like I’m hitting on all 8 cylinders.”
She doesn’t look “too” downs syndrome to me.
Ummmmm- thanks- I think.
As opposed to looking like she has “down syndrome”? I guess I appreciate the sentiment behind the comment but what I’d rather hear is, “Bethany looks so much like you- or Moriah- or Sarah or whatever.”
I don’t really like the opposite of that comment either- (I’m touchy aren’t I? ) I’ve had others say- “She looks just like another down syndrome kid I know.” ugggg She may have similar features to those with down syndrome but first and foremost she is a Barclay- our child- our family genetics- and that’s what I hope you see. 
She’s one of God’s special angels.
Again, a nice sentiment but theologically wrong on so many levels.
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Let’s stick with the fact that down syndrome does not make my daughter more special than anyone else.
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Everyone is special and has a unique call on their life. Everyone is challenged in some way. She shouldn’t get better or worse treatment because she has down syndrome. She is one of God’s special children- because ALL of God’s children are special.
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[Tweet “Everyone is “#special” and has a #unique call on their life. #specialneeds #people”]
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By trying to make her more special, it just ends up putting her in a different category than normal.
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“They’re” so loving.
Yes- “they” are. But many people have loving personalities.
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But “they” are not perfect- “they’re” also fallen- just like we are. Bethany is loving but she can be jealous, insecure, stubborn, and a host of other human emotions. Let’s not “idolize” anyone. We all need God to change, transform, and fill our lives with His love.
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God chooses special parents to give special kids.
I really don’t like this one. I can’t tell you how many times we were “comforted” with this platitude- “God knew what special parents you are so He gave you a special child.” I don’t believe it for one minute. When parents receive a child with special needs into their lives, it’s the beginning point of becoming a special parent.
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I’m not special. I’m just like you. Down Syndrome or autism, or anything can happen to anyone. Don’t insult someone by saying they’re so “special” God wanted to “bless” them with a special needs child. Be truthful: The truth is we all want healthy and whole children. Special has nothing to do with anything. All children are special, unique and challenge us to lovingly parent according to their individual needs.
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Parents are not “awarded” a special needs child.
But when you have a child when special needs, the rewards you discover are unbelievable!
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[Tweet “Special Needs: unbelievably #challenging- with #God’s help unbelievably #rewarding #specialneeds”]
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Life happens to everyone- but how we respond to the challenges and difficulties is what builds us into the people God wants us to become. I’ve heard it said “Life can make us bitter or better.” With God’s help, I choose to become better.
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I remain ever
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Surprising Treasures: New Living Translation Colossians 4:6 *Bible Gateway
Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.
Love this article. Ought to be required reading for everyone… worldwide. Seriously.
I see this post as your most valuable post yet! Seriously.
Thanks babe-
“…when you have a child with special needs, the rewards you discover are unbelievable!” That’s the spirit only the Spirit gives! With all the challenges, concerns, and crunches in life, as you write, some are made bitter. But, keeping our eyes on Jesus we see the awesome adventure He brings his “characters” through to the grand finale. Certainly not easy but oh, so worth it. I love what a “mama lion” you are, watching over your children, and I love you dear sister.
Thanks Edy!
That’s the nugget- everyone in life will be handed challenges- kieeping our eyes on Jesus will take the bitter and make us better- “not easy- but OH so worth it!” I love you too- I try to keep my mama lion in check but sometimes it comes out with a ROAR! 
Definitely something everyone needs to hear ~~ and learn!
You’re comment about special needs people being one of God’s special angels struck a particularly chord (or nerve?) within me. After Mom died last year so many people told me that Heaven had just “gotten another angel” or that now Mom is my guardian angel, watching over me. Like you said, “No!” Wrong on so many levels. I knew that they meant well and didn’t have the strength to correct them (I was dealing with dengue fever and its aftermath at the time) so I just smiled and thanked them for their kind thoughts.
Hey Susan! Great to hear from you! Thanks for commenting.
I know people aren’t trying to be mean- or thoughtless- many said the same platitudes that were hurtful when our little girl, Kristin, died.
As Christians- we HAVE to learn to offer to enter into their pain, offer our sorrow at their loss, or acknowledge that God is doing something we don’t understand but nothing can separate us from His love!
We can’t- CAN’T “Romanticize” special needs- death- hardship – It’s ends up trivializing the truth.
Hugs and Blessings to you!
Such a great post and good tips of those who aren’t around families with special needs kids. Sharing this on twitter. (also visiting from the Blogger Care Group)
Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment Dianna! I’ll be popping by your blog tomorrow!
Blessings
Hi Cindy. Thanks so much for this post. It’s so great to have a parent writing about this. I worked with special needs adults for several years (and loved it)but was often disturbed by hearing such comments. Identity is about so much more than whether or not someone has special needs. You’re a wonderful advocate for that. I’ll share this on Twitter.
Thank you for stopping by to comment Rachel! I know people are just trying to be positive but by sterotyping or focusing on their disability- it strips dignity from their personhood. I love what you said- “Identity is about SO MUCH MORE than whether or not someone has special needs”. Exactly!
hugs and blessings!