Breathing a sigh of relief here today.

Yesterday was Bethany’s annual EVALUATION.

Six years ago, Bethany finally got off a waiting list and was approved for a MR/DD Waiver.

ick- ick- ICK!!!! (was that enough emphasis to get my point across 🙂 )

I  hate the label-

Mentally Retarded/ Developmentally Disabled.

I mean really, who wants their kid to qualify for that?

But when she was finally approved, it meant she would always have the safety net of medicaid if insurance companies denied her coverage, our family would have the rights to a social worker who would wade through the confusing laws and benefits due her, and it made it possible to receive a determined amount of paid hours a month for assistance and respite because of her special needs.

How wonderful is that? Before I go any further, I have to say I am very thankful for any benefits she receives!!! And in the back of my mind, I know they could go away at any moment- I don’t want to ever feel entitled to assistance– I know we are blessed.

The process- the evaluation-

is the part that is so humbling for me.

Every year, I have to “prove” she’s mentally retarded.

I don’t get it. I mean, her diagnosis of down syndrome isn’t going to change.  Could we just skip the whole debilitating, demeaning, process?

Nope. 

I have to keep a DAILY behavior log of her inappropriate behaviors. DAILY means just that- every day! (groan :()

I have to evaluate her abilities every year and rate them.

Can she go to the bathroom by herself, does she inflict harm or injury on anyone, does she steal things (do cell phones count?) can she dress herself, is she self-injurious? and the list goes on and on- pages!

Now here’s the thing- the more negatively you answer the questions, the more help you will be awarded. I told my friend Julie, who has walked through the process before me,”Julie- this is so humiliating. I’m so proud of what she CAN do, why do I have to focus on what she CAN’T do.”

She gave me sage advice, “Cindy, I know it hurts, but try to think about it unemotionally and honestly.”

ie- Is she self injurious?  NO- I want to protest! but wait- she bites her fingers until their calloused, she pics her nails and toes until they bleed and she doesn’t feel pain as quickly so she can hurt herself.

ie- does she steal- Of course not!!! I teach my kids better than that.  BUT wait!  ….. she does try to take everyone’s cell phones- honestly, she doesn’t understand boundaries of personal property as well as I want her to!

If I’m completely honest, she doesn’t understand a lot of concepts as well as I want her to.

So, the woman (me) who was prideful about doing it all on her own, has finally come to realize, maybe it wouldn’t be all bad to have some help.  Because the truth is, when you’re with a child that has special needs, its overwhelming and draining if you don’t get a break.

And I thank God for our big, loving family

and friends

and helpers

every day!

(hey- I have an idea- maybe instead of a behavior journal I could keep a thankful journal and turn it in 😉 )

So back to the glorious treasure of yesterday.

I was sitting there with Bethany’s social worker, Dawn, and the Sue, the evaluator from Cottonwood, answering the same questions- proving over yet again that Bethany is retarded- slowed down- has problems. This is beyond I don’t know how to describe difficult.

And what did I feel this year???? 

My usual

Sadness Anger, Frustration, Irritation?

No! I felt JOY in my heart! Yes, I did! 

This is truly a miracle- an attitude adjustment extraordinaire!

Only God could do this in my heart and brain.

I felt the same joy I feel when I read God’s Word and His Word illuminates where I’m failing or falling short.

I believe God wants us to see we ALL need evaluation-

an MR/DD waiver of sorts

We ALL will be “evaluated” by His glorious standards

to recognize how broken we are

Then we are open to receive His help!

Maybe my MR/DD waiver would stand for Missing Real -Life/ Daily Disabled

The thought hit me like a lightening bolt.

I don’t have to dread these evaluations.

Just like the process of reading God’s Word, just like being open to the Holy Spirit’s searching of my spirit, just like receiving the correcting words of a Pastor-

EVALUATION is a good thing.  A necessary thing.  A liberating thing.

When we evaluate, 3 fabulous things happen!

1,) We can look back and see how far we’ve come!

2.) We can be honest and ask for help in the present

3.) We can look forward to improving and growing in our future.

I still wish they’d change the name MR/DD Waiver and some of the questions!!!!!!!!!

but nothing and no one is perfect- and I can embrace that now.

 Surprising Treasure:
New International Version (©2011)
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.