Three years ago this month, we said our “final” goodby to Grandma Marilyn, my dad’s second wife. I say “final” because we had many goodbyes along the way.
We lost her memory by memory
before she died.
She had Alzheimers.
Previously, I had firmly believed CANCER was the most devilish enemy; after watching my mom, Joyce, suffer through the treatment and the disease, & our little Kristin’s body succumb to its relentless attack.
But helplessly watching Alzheimer’s systematic, ruthless destruction of every loving memory and thought process, convinced me the worst enemy of life was not cancer, but Alzheimers. I pray for the day that enemy is defeated. I pray for comfort for you if you are walking this lonely journey.
*At least we could talk, pray, laugh, and cry with my mom. We were “gifted” with the perspective of eternity- and could cherish each precious moment, drinking in and pouring out love on each other, storing it up in our memories for the day she would be absent from us. We were allowed to “fight a good fight”. We tried every treatment and then some. We were allowed hope- new breakthroughs were happening all the time with cancer. Watching them suffer physically brought pain but somehow, it felt like we were in this fight together. Watching someone slip away is excruciating; as you see the person you love fade like a photograph left out in the sun too long.
How different the pain is with Alzheimers.
Alzheimers is about aloneness.
A shroud of mist that isolates; separates.
Imploding your loved one to unknown darkness; an abyss that has no bottom. A place where you cannot follow or comprehend.
You find yourself wishing your loved one could just go on to heaven and not be drained away bit by bit. Why? Why can’t it be quicker? You lose your cherished memories and find yourself loving someone who doesn’t remember you; doesn’t remember your love, your memories or your kisses. You are left alone, just as they are alone- hoping- hoping God will get you through this somehow and praying that you don’t develop it yourself. We feel alone- yet we are not. He has promised He will not leave us. He will be our shelter- if we’ll run to Him and hide.
I believe God has hidden His treasure in every circumstance we walk through in this life. But it took a long time for me to find any glimmer of hope in this life trial.
His goodness & mercy
His commitment to redeem & restore in eternity
are the only treasures I’ve seen in this illness.
And that has become enough.
Marilyn was a vivacious, outgoing, fun loving woman who worked hard and played hard in life. She was good at so many things; dancing, swimming, business woman, relator, the list goes on. It took me by surprise, that my dad, who’d been married happily for 30 years, had fallen in love again after my mom had passed. (I thought he was old but now I’m his age when he remarried so I realize how very young he was 🙂 ) but Marilyn lit up his heart and put a sparkle in his eyes again!
She became my friend & the kids Grandmother- playing Yahtzee, Hide & Seek, and Uno. She made Christmas fun; she helped us sew Christmas stockings one year & we made Gingerbread ornaments to hang on the tree. Her house was filled with wonders; antique dolls & horses, games & books, and favorite movies such as Pete’s Dragon. A smile was never far from her face and stories abounded.
We all ignored the first clues- making excuses, groping for explanation for her increasingly bizarre statements and actions. When the diagnosis came we were stunned. “God- No!” The kids were little at that time. Unsure of exactly what it all meant, Micah asked worriedly, “Does Grandma know she has Alzheimers or is it so bad she forgets she has it?”
It was if she was on a journey by herself- each step traveling further away from reality and us- and no one, nothing, could stop the process that was taking her away.
The day we took her to a care facility was excruciating. My stomach was in knots, wondering if she would be upset or angry with us – or would she even understand we were leaving her to anothers care. Relief, on one hand, but profound sadness on the other, we finally hugged her goodbye. She looked at us and thanked us for coming to see her, then started talking to the other residents- unaware of the reality of her situation. It broke my heart that she really didn’t know who my dad or I was anymore. She wasn’t even sure who she was.
We had lost her.
But not really…
Click on this Link to finish the story- Part 2 of Grandma Bububububu & Alzheimer’s
Surprising Treasure: I will not leave you alone.
I will come back to you.
John 14:18
You’ve painted a vivid picture of this illness. I pray that a cure and/or prevention is found. Your story brought to mind the Reagan’s. I like that Nancy said, speaking of President Reagan, “His soul doesn’t have Alzheimer’s.” Blessings, hugs and love, to you, Cindy!
That is an amazing quote by Nancy Regan! I’m going to use it in the second and final part! WOW! Love you Rita and thank you for that encouragement! blessings!
Thank you for your insights. Once again, I wish we could sit with a cup of coffee/tea and just talk and pray together- like old times but with alot more of life experiences.
Mom’s husband, Dick has alzheimers. He used to be so musical- playing his sax or clarinet daily and sometimes the keyboard. He played in dance bands. He loved entertaining and playing cards. Mom was so happy. She was having so much fun.
I look forward to part 2- more insights on this subject. I think Mom and I need to go to a class or support group to learn how best to deal with the changes. In the meantime we will continue to pray for all those who are walking this path (the patient and their loved-ones). We will continue to pray for a miracle.
I am so sorry Debbie! Give your mom a big hug and tell her I’ll be praying!!!! I really enjoyed meeting Dick when they drove through Lawrence. Jeff & I were so happy your mom was happy. If I get out to AZ to see Doug, you can be sure, we have a girl day ahead of us!
Part 2 should be more encouraging, but the stark reality of Alzheimers is daunting. I admire my dad so much- Again- we are praying for you! hug my sweet sister!
I have been reading through the Psalms, digging for gold. This morning Ps. 119:169-170 brought me wealth- “May my cry come before you, Lord; give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise.”
When I am lost I love to hide myself in the Word. That is when I find God again.
beautiful- I take comfort that my cries do come before Him and He gives me understanding and peace. He is God. He is good!
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I am so sorry and touched that you went through so much, but you brought her alivea gain by your words. It felt like I sort a knew her when you were finished. How fortunate she was to be in the Barlcay family. It gave me new insight to a terrible disease.
thank you so much Char- I know you’re no stranger to pain and suffering. Praying God shelters you in the palm of His hand! love ya
Cindy- thank you for sharing this with me. I got a good feeling after seeing mom in the photos prior to getting bad. she is in a fantastic place right now… Thanks again.
John Davis
Totally! I can’t wait to publish the 2nd part- the Happy Part! We all got a little teary- remembering what a vivacious-“sparkly” grandma she was. Sarah said, She sure was the most energetic Yahtzee player I’ve ever seen! 🙂 You helped me so much after she passed- it helped me a lot to think she woke up from a dream and there Heaven was- WOW!
You capture things so perfectly in your writing. This is exactly as it is with dementia/alzheimers…thank you for sharing this. She sounds like she was such a joy to be with.
she was-I like what her son said when she passed, He said, I’m so happy knowing Mom “woke” up in heaven. I can’t imagine how overwhelmingly beautiful that was.
The illustration of waking from a dream is so appropriate. I have no doubt that dream-living must be what having this illness feels like. Good news is on the horizon. I just heard Alzheimer’s called a Type 3 diabetes. Coconut oil is proving to be therapeutic. Who would have guessed! More later! Loving hugs!
I read that article also- just one more reason for me to be careful with my sugar intake 😉 and my motivation is for Bethany’s health- People with down syndrome are twice as likely to develop Alzheimers and at a much younger age than typical. Praying for wisdom and medical breakthroughs.
Here’s the latest link I found:
http://coconutoil.com/
Lots to read!
thanks so much- so interesting…