Hugs! We all need them!
Family therapist, Virginia Satir, has said,
“We need 4 hugs a day for survival.
We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance.
We need 12 hugs a day to thrive.”
[Tweet “Hugs: we need 4 daily to #survive- 12 for #thriving. #hugs”]
So how do I teach the master hugger of all time, to limit her “hug-giving” skills at school?
Bethany is used to giving and recieving TONS of hugs! We should all be Thriving with a capital T. But as she’s gotten older, I’ve noticed her peers aren’t as comfortable with her hugs as her family and church family. Here’s a snippet of our conversation the other day after I observed her hugging a school mate that seemed a bit put off by her extreme friendliness. 🙂
“Bethie, you know how much I love your hugs?”
“Yes, mommy.”
“Well, I was thinking that now that you’re getting older, you need to stop giving hugs to everyone at school.”
“Why? Everybody loves hugs.”
“Ummm, well, hugs are more for families and close friends.”
“No, hugs are for all!”
“Yes, but I don’t think you should run up to everyone at school and give them hugs. It makes some kids uncomfortable.”
“Not Mrs. Turvey. Not Miss Hoye. Not Mrs. Nobo. They all like hugs. Hugs are good.”
“I know, but some kids don’t like hugs.”
“Yes, they do! Everybody loves hugs! Hugs are good!”
Where in the world do I go with this????? I try once more-
“How about at school, we practice giving kids a high five or saying “have a great day.”
I could see the wheels turning as she processed the thought.
“OK-, but after high five, can I still hug?”
I’m going to keep working on appropriate social demonstration of affection, but part of me wishes everyone was open and loving and hugs could be distributed freely and frequently. 🙂 As for the rest of us- let’s grow the opposite way and increase how many hugs we hand out each day. Find someone who needs a hug and give them a big squeeze. Remember- a hug is a circle of love to treasure and transform.
SURPRISING TREASURES:
WHY GOD MADE HUGS by Jim Wolf
Everyone was meant to share God’s all-abiding love and care. He saw that we would need to know a way to let these feelings show.
So God made hugs – a special sign, and symbol of His love divine, a circle of our open arms to hold in love and keep out harm.
One simple hug can do its part to warm and cheer an others heart. A hug’s a bit of heaven above that signifies His perfect love.
credit given to author -Jim Wolf
The simple power of hugs. lol that’s funny about Bethany and her friends at school. God does say he will wrap us in his arms. That’s a big hug! 🙂
I was remembering when she was 2 or 3- and she insisted we all do a group hug before anyone left! or = If Dad and I are seem upset- how she wants to come in and hug the hurt away!
Alot of times at work i feel like bethie. I just want to hug my clients (mentally ill and mentally challenged) but somewhere along the line it became “unethical” for a counselor to do that. Appropriate social skills with affection is a tough one when you have a heart like Jesus but live in a society that is uncomfortable with just the thing they truely need….love, caring, kindness, warmth. Its becoming foreign to our culture and unfortunately I have to teach my clients appropriate social skills with affection also….but I dont always agree its correct.
Andi- that’s got to be difficult. I’m convinced a touch on the shoulder, patting someone’s hand, an empathetic look, and taking time in the morning to ask Jesus to fill us so that His love can spill over, will do the job just as well as a hug. I’ll never forget when you came to visit me after Beth was born- I literally FELT the love of Jesus- His peace and His comfort. I’m sure you bring that to all your clients! hugs
Cindy,
Perfect program for you!!! It’s called the Circles Curriculum: http://www.stanfield.com/circles-level-1.html
(Shhh–don’t tell them I didn’t buy it–I made my own which you can do to). If you Facebook me (private message) to remind me (in case I forget) I’ll look for it tomorrow in my office (the explanation page I have), and scan it/send it to you. Anyway–it’s an AWESOME visual way to help kids learn what circles certain people are in, and what behavior is appropriate for those people. Works really well if you use photos (so you may want to ask her school teacher if you can take some photos of kids at school).
And–even though it’s hard–what you’re teaching her is important. I know it’s scary–but safe-guarding her now, not only helps teacher her appropriate social interaction–but helps her learn what and whom should be touching her. I had a rule in my middle school classroom that there were side-hugs or high fives only. It was hard for some–but vital–because as kids get older they have to learn to respect others–and also that it is not okay for others to hug or touch them inappropriately. Being too open to hugs from anyone, and trusting that they can hug anyone sets up kids with disabilities to be more likely to be victimized (at least from what research shows on victimization). Sad, scary–but what you’re doing is good.
Anyway—I’ll look for it tomorrow and see if I can get it scanned–but I made a big huge circle for my students, and took pictures (or found pictures to represent people). We made smiley face signs too–and talked about whom it was okay to hug, and whom it wasn’t–and why. We did it over and over–and then I had to reinforce it all by either reinforcing them (positive praise) when they displayed appropriate social interactions–or intervene/correct, and re-teach when they didn’t.
LOVE this program (or I should say the idea–cause I didn’t purchase the whole program–shhh–don’t tell 🙂 )
🙂 Mary P.
Mary- thank you! thank you! I can see the future implications/dangers and want to look into this right away. I didn’t really encounter this “problem” until we started school this year because her interaction was limited to home, church, and Dazzlers. thank you for always being there for us. hugs
I love Bethie’s insights that everyone needs hugs. But, it can be difficult to strike a balance between expressing love appropriately while being aware of dangers lurking in this world. Your post reminded me of a link I recently found:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=hN8CKwdosjE
Don’tcha love it! When I saw it, I thought: What an idea for spreading the love of God in Christ Jesus – “Jesus LOVES you” with every hug!
Jesus never fails! And, He will one day overcome all the barriers through His precious children like Bethie, and my cousin Carley (another hugger all his life)!
LOVE THE VIDEO! I wish I didn’t have to find the balance- pray I can teach her the difference. I can’t wait to look at what Mary has mentioned (Mary lived in Lawrence, attended KU for her masters in Special Education and we were so blessed to have her for Bethany’s tutor- we still miss her so much!) Hugs Edy- Jesus loves you and so do I!
Well, there is nothing better than a hug when you are discouraged and feeling alone. Bethany is particularly astute and perspicacious to people’s feelings. She knows. And she cares deeply.
Neuroscience shows that connection reduces the stress hormones- epinephrine, norepinephrine, and cortisol. Connections increase dopamine which enhances attention and pleasure. It increases serotonin which reduces fear and worry. And personal connections increase oxytocin which makes us more trusting of others. Since 1985 Americans without close friends has risen from 7.8% to 24.8%.
Basically, Bethany is setting a course to end nearly all of society’s physical and psycho-social maladies. I say, “You go girl! Git r dun!”
I know! She does care deeply and wants to connect with everyone! Balance and wisdom….